An IRS office in Northern Virginia. An investigator sits in his cubicle – the first in a line of twenty - updating himself on the file of a health act violator he’s about to interview. He bellows to a secretary sitting at a desk
IRS agent: Maria! I’m ready to see Ms. Howell. Send her in…Good morning, Ms. Howell. Sit there. Ok, let’s cut to the chase. You’re here today because there’s no evidence that you’ve purchased health insurance. This is the law of the land, Ms. Howell. Why haven’t you purchased health insurance?
Sitting directly across from him is a three-year-old girl, in a pink dress, with big blue eyes, her light-brown hair done up in pigtails. Having laboriously climbed onto the chair, she sits quietly, sucking on a tootsie pop. She holds up three fingers on a chubby little hand.
Agent: No, no, no. That won’t do Ms. Howell. It doesn’t matter that you’re only three years old. The law says…
Girl [Pulling sucker out of her mouth]: Gah go pee.
Agent: What? Oh. Well, we’ll talk about that later.
Girl [Speaking slowly and loudly, in order to emphasize the urgency of her request] GAH. GO. PEE.
Agent [Smiling in a sinister fashion]: Look. You tell me what you plan on doing about this health insurance matter, then I’ll have the nice lady out there take you to the bathroom.
Girl [Shrugs and resumes sucking on her tootsie-pop]
Agent: We already fined your parents for not having insurance. And, by the way, if they don’t cough up the fine in sixty days, they could be in serious trouble.
Girl: Daddy don’t work no more. He can’t’ford it.
Agent: I know all about that. He got laid off because his big, greedy employer decided to let half of his staff of eight people go rather than do the honorable thing and hang on to all of them until his inevitable bankruptcy. Still, the law’s the law. And whether he pays or not, it’s your responsibility…
Girl: Daddy said Obama did it.
Agent [the color drains from his face]: What did you say?
Girl: Daddy said Obama took his job.
Agent [Gasping, and barely able to suppress an urge to reach for his handcuffs]: Oh my God! Treason! Ok, your father’s looking at something bigger now than a charge of non-payment of health insurance premiums. I’d advise you not to repeat everything he says.
Girl: Daddy says he still got fweedom of speech.
Agent: Ms. Howell, do you know what the word “sedition” means?
Girl: If it means I peed on your chair ‘cuz you wouldn’t let me go to the baffwoom, yeah, I know what it means.
Agent [ making notes furiously]: Dear, dear…Treason…rebellion…[glances at dripping chair]…vandalizing government property…You know what, Ms. Howell? I’ve got enough on you right now to send you to the juvenile detention center for six weeks.
Girl [contemptuously]: Ahhh, that ain’t so bad.
Agent: What do you mean?
Girl: I just did two months there for bwinging a chocolate cigarette to day care. The scwews know me and we get along fine. That’s easy time…fwattfoot.
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5 comments:
Sadly, that's pretty much how many Federal goobermint employees act like now. It ain't a stretch to imagine a 3 year old being a felon for violating PC laws.
Good stuff, Paco. However, this will go on your permanent record and follow you wherever you go.
It's a bit surprising that she wouldn't get seven or eight weeks for eating non-approved food. Tootsie rolls aren't approved, are they? I mean non-organic, sugar laden, not produced in the shade by a third world peasant. Or did I miss a memo.
Deborah Leigh
Clearly that child is a Tea Partier... therefore, racist.
What a wonderful child, she is being bought up by good parents.
[Loved the chair wetting, as it is so natural for a child that age, if not taken to the toilet when needed!]
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